Performing at school.

It might come as a surprise, but I fucking loved being in plays at school. However I was cursed in two respects - I had the loudest and best voice but I can't sing a note. As such I always ended up as the fucking narrator. In year 6 we finally landed the bum job of the passion play (infants did Christmas, juniors did Easter) and most of the play was me stood at the side of the stage talking.

In that play my mate Mark got the role of the disciple who gets his ear cut off. His only "line" was to scream when the deed was done, but as the rest of the scene was silent, it was dead weird and got cut. He was gutted

The one year - year 5 - we had one with no songs - The Wind in The Willows, and my Mister Toad won a standing o and rave reviews. I didn't understand most of what I was saying, but the adults were all laughing their heads off, so I felt like a mac daddy.

One year, the year below me got the passion play (think they landed it 4/5 years) and it featured the crucifiction taking place on stage with a cross made of paper that was flapping and sagging under the weight of paint, with the lad Chris playing the Big JC undergoing the endurance test of holding his arms out. It was all pretty accidentally sacrilegious.

In secondary school only the favoured drama kits got in plays so I didn't act again until I was at university