Literally no one cares about a single game of football being played today, so let's instead look at this list of the 45 world football teams who are statistically, and therefore conclusively and indisputably, better than Manchester United. Banter courtesy of our good friends at the International Federation of Football History & Statistics. This one goes out to you, meths.

http://www.iffhs.de/cwr-february-2014/

1 FC Bayern München
2 Real Madrid CF
3 FC Barcelona
4 Chelsea FC, London
5 Club Atlético de Madrid
6 Clube Atlético Mineiro
7 FC Basel 1893
8 Club Independiente Santa Fe CD
8 ACF Fiorentina
10 BV Borussia 09 Dortmund
11 Tottenham Hotspur FC
12 Paris Saint-Germain FC
13 Arsenal FC, London
14 SL Benfica
15 SSC Napoli
16 FC Rubin Kazan
17 Juventus FC
18 Manchester City FC
19 Club Atlético Nacional SA
20 FC Viktoria Plzeň
21 CA Vélez Sársfield
21 FC Salzburg
23 CFP Universidad de Chile
24 CA Lanús
25 Sevilla FC
26 SC FC Steaua Bucureşti
27 PFC Ludogorets 1947
28 Celtic FC
29 Olympiacos FC
30 SS Lazio
31 Trabzonspor AŞ
32 Newell’s Old Boys
33 Grêmio FB
33 Olympique Lyonnais
35 Arsenal de Sarandí FC
36 Guangzhou Evergrande FC
36 CS Emelec
38 PAOK Thessaloníki FC
39 FC Zenit St Petersburg
40 AC Milan
40 Club Olimpia
42 KRC Genk
42 FC Slovan Liberec
42 Club Libertad
45 R Standard de Liège
46 Manchester United FC