We turn, agog, our mouths greasy with soccer salutation, yet another horde of foot-to-ball wonder gathering upon the distant hills. "These are top sides and this is a vital part of the season," says our lord, Mark Lawrenson, and who are we to cast aspersion upon his words.

In the farcically petty world of Premier League football, Moyes fights for his life against a group of invasive no-mark Frenchmen as, simultaneously, Manuel Pellegrini attempts to escape the south coast with a point. Sunderland's "surprise" victory over Spurs to follow. Dortmund kick a dead horse in the shape of Leverkusen whilst Barca ravish Villareal. The FA Cup also happens, in association with Budweiser.

On Sunday Arsenal beat Everton by a single goal. Also some other stuff happens, maybe, if you absorb the adverts hard enough. Have a good un, cunts.