I can take cancellations and disruption and stuff as I can understand that things you can't plan for go wrong sometimes, like people jumping in front of their stupid fucking trains, but I have to say there is so much inexplicably ridiculous shit that train companies do, and something just happened to me which pretty much tops this seemingly neverending list.

Was paying for a weekly travelcard with cash at the ticket machine as the ticket office was closed. Put in £50 in notes and £5.60 in change and was asked to touch my oyster card. Upon doing this I was told there was an error and asked to do it again. Upon doing it again, with my perfectly operable oyster card, it went ERROR ERROR and cancelled the transaction altogether, before spewing out 50p pieces into the tray. £55.60 in 50p pieces. And then, like a cherry on top, that solitary 10p piece popped out after a comedy delay of a couple of seconds. I was just stood there mouthing fuckkk offff!?! for the 30 seconds or so it was doing it for, while a selection of gormless commuters looked at me like I'd just shit in their microwave dinner.

Luckily I had a bag I could incredulously scoop them up into but if I hadn't I'd have literally been in a t-shirt and shorts with no pockets. Also if I hadn't have been so angry, I might not have summoned the bravery to tell the scrote hanging round who tried first to touch his oyster card thinking he would get a big oyster bonus, then to grab a handful of the change, to get to absolute fuck, and would have lost a load of it. I mean how stupid can you get?! Just imagine if it had been a monthly travelcard?!

I'm now gonna either have to go down the bank in the 30 mins I get for lunch to give them a big bag of 50ps to put in my account, or be stuck using 111 of the little pentagonal fuckers until sodding Christmas.

Hey, maybe if I rub the Queen's nose I can wish for re-nationalisation? Oooh satire.

What other totally stupid train company shit is there that could be so easily improved? Let's collate some ideas here and send them all a big list of suggestions.