A John Terry inspired Chelsea are largely second best but prove sightly fitter than cursed Benfica in Amsterdam, as tubby hardnut Branislav Ivanovic scores a last-minute header. Yet more heartbreak for AbsKelly, who now faces another trip to 'orrible Prague after seeing his team pick up their eleventh trophy since they bought football. Yet to hear a Chelsea fan come out and have a bit of class about the good job Rafa's done, would be nice to hear, tbh, he's a good man.

The FA something something getting series something racism something.

QPR's only footballer Loic Remy arrested for rape.

Thomas Schaaf leaves Werder Bremen after FORTY-ONE YEARS. Take that, Fergie!

Liverpool about to pillage Cup Winners (alright, stop goin' on about it, ffs) Wigan.

Gonzalo Higuain apparently agreed £20m Arsenal move, or so says an Irish tabloid who should definitely know.

Conte staying at Juve.

Man City prepare to make themselves look daft over Manuel Pellegrini, announce plans to up the capacity at Eastlands to 61,000 after every home league game sells out well in advance for four years. #gloryhunters.

Bacary Lasagne wants to go to Monaco, definitely not for the money.

Fanboy favourites Dortmund looking at Bentekers.

Lamps signs new one-year deal.

Kasper Schmiechel apparently on his way to 'ull.

Wayne Routledge getting England call-up.

Scchhhhttteeeve McClaren to Wolves?

AOB?