It's a proud moment in any grown man's life to be bullied by a bunch of pubescents on the way to work. My assailants took the form of the classic wee cheeky, flat cap-wearing chav and the fat fuck golem chav, who when I declined their requests (demands) for one of my cigarettes, proceeded to lob football-sized snowballs at point-blank range at the back of my head for ten solid minutes.

I don't normally mind a bit of horseplay but it was going down my neck and making me really cold and pissed off. And since it's half-term, chances are I'll encounter these prime specimens of congealed slop miserably floating on top of the gene pool again at some point over the next two weeks.

So what are my options?

Reasoning didn't work.

Me getting angry and profane didn't work.

What's the worst that could happen to me if I twatted someone else's kid in the head?

How insulting and degrading can I get before their parents, somehow now seemingly interested in their childrens' development, decided to lay in wait for me the next day with a baseball bat?

Should I take the Mark Corrigan route of picking up the nearest potential bludgeoning weapon to hand and running screaming maniacally at them?

Any advice is welcomed.