So, I found out a while back that my historical boyfriend became a fascist. I was (naturally) pretty upset about that, but I kind of figured that he was just going along with the parties/groups he belonged to, and that it was that or nothing. Which doesn't excuse condoning murdering/raping however many Chinese/Korean/Southeast Asian people... but you know, I can sort of understand it. Must be hard being in that kind of nationalistic environment?

But I learned today that he essentially orchestrated the entire civilian national socialist movement in Japan. He might have been moving more-or-less together with society, but went there way before other people from the left. And he played a direct role in planning (aborted / failed) coups & assassinations. Which sucks both because it's a really shit thing to do, and because it makes him look kind of incompetent. Not really sure which of those is worse. I mean, there were far far worse people in Japan at the time (and far more important ones), but it's pretty hard to excuse him being a leader.

Anyway.

The problem is that when I first saw him as a young student communist I went and let him into my heart. And now it's really difficult to erase him from it. I know that it's probably wrong to be attached to him in general now that I know all this. But is it wrong to still be attached to his teenage / early twenties self? When he was still just a harmless labour activist / part time communist? I'm sure the him of that time would've thought the idea of national socialism was horrible (he certainly was against expansionism), so is it really wrong to be attached to that person? Or does it not work like that?

I'm having such a hard time over this. I don't even want to read any more because I'm scared I'll find out new and worse things. I want to just be all 'urgh, what an awful person' but I can't, and I still get all excited when I see his name come up in books and stuff (even if I'm dreading what it's about).

Am I an awful person?