1. Ceramic umbrella stand in Cyprus Donkey restaurant (now closed). Pulled it over with my coat, whole restaurant went silent and looked at me as the smash bounced round the walls. The owner said to me "that was the last thing my wife gave to me before she left me".

2. Expensive lamp of some girl I was trying to finger when I was in my early teens. Did not finger her.

3. Your mum's arse hymen!

You don't have to number yours.