When people talk about Valentines day and their bizarre ideas to wow that special someone, (usually someone they were a bitch to for 364 consecutive days prior to)I tend to ignore all of the hoopla and keep my eye on the real prize - Post Valentines day Chocolates.

Those chocolates are still good AND they're 50% off, fucking awesome!!

Recently, a good friend of mine complained that she was going to be tits out of luck for good ideas of what to do for her boyfriend this valentines day. Being the natural problem solver (and one of a kind true pal) that I am, I went against my usual and decided instead of giving her a fish, I would teach her how to fish... Maybe a crash course on how to really squeeze the most out of Valentines days IS a good idea.

Here is the instructions I sent her.

1. You smell like cat piss. I still adore you and so does he. To each other, your odors are canceled out which is kind of the magical part of your relationship(because he smells like cat piss also)That being said, there would be more room for love in the air if you weren't choking it with the eye stinging aroma of a months worth of (3)cats ass(es). Get your cats fixed, steam clean or throw out everything, and buy some new clothes. This will be the sexiest thing you do all year. Trust me he will love it.

2. Chew with your mouth closed AND don't make slurping and smacking noises with your mouth. I don't care if this is how you claim french people eat. It's fucking disgusting. Once you've mastered this, any dinner with you will be 1 thousand times more enjoyable so cook him whatever is in your fridge, it wont matter what it is.

3.Get him a thoughtful gift that is well suited to his style. I suggested this:
http://rockworldeast.com/store/Muppets_T-Shirt_Kermit_The_Frog

(IF you'll believe it, this was the only part of my advice that even slightly offended her.)

4. Burn everything in your room and buy new bedsheets.

Follow these 4 practical guidelines and this will be the best valentines day of his adult life.

Now, she took it all pretty well, except for that one bit about the gift. She knew I suggested that item specifically to burn her and point out his massively obvious resemblance to that character.

The moral of the story then, and my own personal request to the people of DIS, is to stop clucking about valentines day and to start being and every day awesome person to the people you love.

Chances are they are some of the very few people who love you, so it wouldn't hurt to invest some time in making attractive to them on a more long term basis.

xoxo
SophiesMom