is doing a life guarding course.

he has decided to keep a diary of each day.

its almost definitely going to be a TLDR for most people.

but i think its a gem.

Life Guarding.

Saturday, 06 February 2010 at 19:02

None Of This Is Exaggerated Or Made Up.

Day 2:
Started off pretty rubbish with everyone having to learn acronyms to remember how to react to certain situations. 2 hours later we ventured upstairs to begin CPR on dummy's in the dance studio. To get there we went through a gym, whilst waiting for an angry man to finish punching a bag in the studio we waited in the gym. A member of our group, Frederick, a 22 year old, bit stupid, completely homophobic, lads lad said, "That milf over there on the running machine, you see her, bet she swallows and takes it up the arse. Right in the shitter", to this i just muttered yeah. We then went into the studio and started using torso dummy's to perform CPR on. Whilst doing the exercise a ditzy girl with a ridiculous amount of ear piercings asks, "Do you have to break the ribs when doin CPR", The confused instructor dismisses it before receiving another stupid question from the girls friend, "Doesn't a body way twice as much when unconscious", He dodges it again but now the group begins to talk about when they have seen people die. One chubby 25 year old with a round head describes when he saw a guy have a man faint and foam at the mouth in front of him. The second girl exclaims how her cat died. Then anal milf man exclaims, "I ran over a cat on my motorbike once, I pulled it off and put it in this wood burning furnace, smelt like chinese". The girl then said, "If you pull a cats arms apart it's chest explodes and it looks like chocolate". Everyone done there CPR training but mid way through I noticed Fredrick pick up the torso dummy and proceed to mock receiving oral sex from it behind the instructors back. Throughout I noticed him looking down the young girls tops and making repetitive jokes about putting tongues in the dummy's mouths while giving mouth to mouth. A 45 year old frail member of the group, her hair was thin and horrible and she looked seriously ill,performed the exercise and her face (usually a horrible blue and pale white) reddened so much that the instructor asked if she was ok and I felt sick. We then got in the pool and the ditzy girl proceeded to call me Jamie cause i looked like her cousin and the other girl kept shouting bradders! and putting her thumbs up. Afterwards the girls stole the 2 men on the course's clothes and hid them. One girl got changed and the other peered over and said she had seen a "cracking shot of her muff" and the other let out a horrible scream. I left, seeing the geeky chavvy kid with orange hair who has no idea how to swim outside smoking, What an amazing day.

Day 3.
Started as normal until vicky (one of the girls) called the big dumb ginger one a batty boy, to which he replied, "your the battery boy", not realizing his mistake everyone just laughed at him. I found out fredderick is actually called fenwick, I know this as he has a massive horrible tattoo of his name on his inside arm. The other girl (Becky) said to i think dan, "Doesn't he have a deformed head and a fat dad?" The fat little ginger boy next to me kept talking about his burberry aftershave and how he wanted paco robanne 1 million but it got sold out. Then some people started talking about cocaine and ridiculous stories and becky shouts "What Diet Or Normal!" before cackling loudly and banging the table. The horrible feeble woman in the corner looked worse today, her pale round moon like head was complimented by her bulging red eyes, She kept answering questions so stupid, like we were talking about lifting a person out of the ball with our arms under with palms down, so they were easier to slide out, she mutters weakly how it has something to do with touching the person, NO IT DOESNT YOU WERE ALREADY TOUCHING THEM, IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT SIDE OF YOUR ARM IS IN CONTACT. The instructor kindly said he didn't think it was right to which she shook her head defiantly. Fenwick said Jodie Marsh was sex on legs but Wouldn't get it if he had to look at her from the side. At the break the ginger chav with constant open mouth moaned about fenwik saying he wants to smack boys that are chavs. Becky said she eats 12 packets of crisps with ease and wished they did 24 packs for the flavors she liked, She them poked my phone screen and cackled again. Ginger chav mutters in an Akon style "I wanna break break break break your neck", which the girls found quite amusing. Becky then went Errr when I hadn't wiped my apple before taking a bite, i asked why and she goes "its dirty, all those Africans rubbing it on their fannys", she then went on unlinked to label how she was hench and her head was pure muscle. Later she used the term "stickable", quickly after doubting the existence of the word, however small fat ginger assured her saying, "it is a word, stick-a-ball", for the girls this was sound logic enough and the conversation moved on. We went up to the gym again and one of the girl's bums was hangin out while doing CPR on her knees, Fenwick took great delight in shouting builders bum before hitting the floor with laughter. Later he once again picked up a dummy and appeared to show it giving him oral sex, this time with it inverted with his tongue strumming against the absence of space seen as the dummy had no lower body, people found this little tweak from yesterday incredibly funny. The group proceeded to bandage each other in ridiculous ways, Fenwick working with vicky comes over with a bandage on his arm, becky asks if vicky had been biting again, Fenwick replies with "Yeah my arm tastes like Hula Hops". The tall ginger chav complains about how he wish the baby dummy was more realistic so he could make it do middle fingers at people, which he found too funny. (the attractive) Vicky was spending a lot of time with the 6 year older Fenwick to the younger boys dislike, the smallest (fat round ginger head) who is year 11 came up with the theory, "Shes a slut, you can tell because she hasn't got any bra tan marks, that means she always has it off", the other agreed labeling her a slut. I then noticed the jeans that the tall ginger one was wearing, they were baggy had massive pockets and the colour faded from pale blue to near black at the bottom. Becky noticed that Vicky had done the buttons on her shirt wrong, Fenwick told Vicky he would sort them out before winking at the 16 year old. We then got changed and went poolside, I made a comment about a man swimming in the pool, saying he was so slow it would be faster to walk, unfortunately when he eventually reached the end of the pool and severe difficulty turning round and pushing off the wall I realized he had no legs. We did all the exercises in the pool and were at the side, an attractive lifeguard sauntered past to Fenwicks delight as he kissed his arm, flapped the lump in his shorts and licked his lips. He also enjoyed grabbing the (young) girls and pushing them about. The chlorine destroyed the weak woman's eyes and she look really horrible, her eyes so big, puffy and red, i tried not to look at her. We got out and went back to hitting a dummy as if it was choking. I watched and listened to the weak woman, with the dummy rested on her knee she repetitively asked it to cough up the food for about 10 seconds, before telling it what she was gonna do and counting the amount of times she hit it on the back, she then congratulated it and told it to come sit down after she had finished. I nearly forgot, the Asians were out in force in the pool, always staring at what we did, never swimming. The tall ginger chav I noticed was looking at me, I turned around and made eye contact with his jaw dropped absent face, which continued to stare blankly for at least 5 seconds, I turned before he had finished cause it was awkward. I then went to the toilet, radio one was on and someone said lady gaga on it, Fenwick heard this as he entered the toilet, he repeated lady gaga 4 times to himself while pissing in the open cubicle. I left the centre to see over half the group smoking, the small fat ginger kid was offering everyone his lighter despite not smoking, Fenwick, now outside too was on his phone, "Alright babes... How are you gorgeous... nice, can you come get me darling."

P.s at the dinner table my dad called my sister a slimy rat and a sneaky eel because she slipped upstairs when they called her for dinner, he then said he was onto her and that she was getting genuinely grimy and horrible.

Day 4.

Arrive early to see Vicky outside smoking. I tell her its bad for her health and that its cold and she should be inside, she offers me one, which I refuse, she tells me I know I want to. I really didn't. I waited for her to finish up and we headed inside to see becky, sprawled, deflated, like a sliced open bean bag, rested on a chair nearby. Ironically she was sitting directly under a poster with a horrible saggy faced dog on it, I kept giggling as I alternated between her face and the dogs, to which she exclaimed... WHAT!!!! The feeble woman comes over, she asks us if we would like any licorice from her massive bag of it, we declined and continued to ignore her existence. We had some new people in our group today (I don't know there names, and i don't care to learn them), one entered with a gold sequin Ellese top despite being around 50 and sat in the corner, her partially colored black and blonde hair was creep like. The fat little year 11 chav entered, he began possible the most stupid story I have ever heard, il try and quote as much as possible. "Yeah today right, there was this massive fight in town, m school vs some fucking ipswich school. We were walking along right, then suddenly this shit came out and started kicking the shit out of my mate, I got him off and started kicking the shit into him, but then this other kid had a baseball bat and started kicking the shit into my other mate. So I pulled him off and started beating the shit out of him, made his mouth bleed like shit, beat the shit into the shit the he nearly died, look, now my knuckles hurt" (He presents some perfectly unscathed knuckles that only appear red cause of the severe acne rash that inhabits his prebubecent flesh). The older ginger boy got his phone out, he began laughing before pointing at his background, I recognized it as the clamidia advert with a girl shining a torch down a girls pants. I kindly laughed and said oh yeah ive seen that before, he was still laughing and said that he was well fuckin bored like.I noticed through this short interchange of rubbish conversation that he sounded more slurred that usual, transpires he had gotten his tongue pierced only an hour before he had got there, he was in great pain and was clearly told by the doctor not to go swimming. His mouth now remained open relentlessly, it was unnerving as it would swing round as something would catch his eye as if dislocated. The instructor asked him why he would wanna put a needle through his tongue, he claimed it was for the adrenaline rush. The large girl Becky was talking about food again, someone asked her what she had in her sandwiches, she exclaimed excitedly, "Cheese and marmalade"! Tall ginger chav was outraged and said, "you naughty....,......little.... So and So", The instructor then had a go at us about "foul language creeping in". People then questioned the instructor (Quite Old) when he started working there, he said 1987, to which tall ginger chav exclaimed thats 25 years, no one addressing the error it remained as fact and whenever it was mentioned later he had worked at the pool for 25 years. Fenwick arrived late, he entered wearing some nike air max, trackys, a sterling silver bangle, a green white and dark blue polo shirt, the most lavish diamond earring you would dare to think of. Coupled with his beige "farmer Hat (Becky)"He looked so appealing, his cheeky grin that fell almost on directly on Vicky's cleavage before correcting himself and talking to her face. He went on alter to say how he only likes films for violence and that 15's are for pussy 'oles. I looked round to see thin old freak sipping at lemon from a massive bottle, her arm appeared to shake as she just about managed to raise the bottle to her lips, the pale yellow liquid appeared to become an extension of her face as it blurred with her used egg shell complexion. I felt sick, but watched on as she proceeded to raise and lower the bottle around 5 times, each time taking a sickly gulp. I looked across to her head, which looked like plastic bag stretched tightly over a skull, the inset tension wrinkles created the perfectly platform to publicize her patch of malaria growing on her chin, she also had a cough, she will be dead within a week. We started talking about how long we would have in the pool, a breathy week voice erupted, "it depends how quickly you get changed" a horrible cough erupted with it, 50x more powerful than the spoken word, which completely destroyed her attempted laugh. I Hate Her. I am now referred to as Bradlol, because i'm so funny. Becky was being told information by two people at once, this proved too much for her as she shouted, "I don't have 2 ears", people quickly realized she did and she rephrased it as a multitasking issue. I then nipped to the toilet, followed by Fenwick. He entered the cubicle next to me, and in his habit of reciting whatever Zane Lowe at the time says he swapped "lady gaga" for black eyed peas, repeating the band name 4 times before erupting into, "Can you meet me halfway, Right at the borderline!" Ay, Brad that Fergie is well fit like. Yes, she's very nice. Becky asked me why I dressed so smart for college, I had no answer. We then got in the pool, after pretending to be unconscious for an exercise I received a painful nipple cripple from Vicky. I surfaced later on to see feeble woman's struggling face. The chlorine had eroded her eyes and stained her skin, bloodshot eyes and a rashy eyes made for the appearance of a lopsided lilac balloon through my also stinging (but clearly not as severe) eyes. We were down the shallow end and I heard Fenwick mutter to Vicky that "this lifeguard stuff is kinda sexy", She replied with (im not sure why), "Yeah I feel like I should be doing it naked", Fenwick jumped on this pedophile opportunity and requested they go for a private session somewhere else, I made disappointed eye contact with the barely legal girl, she didn't enjoy my judgmental gaze. We all got out and were getting changed, a chorus of "Why do birds suddenly appear?" erupted from over the changing cubicles, interrupted by Fenwick saying to Vicky, "Do you like the way my big toe works it". I left feeling so good, only to see living corpse lady waiting outside, her usually burnt, crispy blonde hair now black and her face considerably enflamed. She is rotting from the inside out, I want to tell her to see a doctor, but I don't want to catch the plague.