1. Please stop getting married! Firstly you're making me feel old, and secondly, this is the 21st century - you're only going to get divorced because your soul is hollow and you're never going to be satisfied with anything anymore.

2. Why are you inviting me to your stag weekend? Correct me if I'm remembering this wrong, but I haven't spoken to you in nigh on six years, and when we were at university, we at best tolerated each other. To tell the truth I thought you were by and large a miserable prick. Are you really this desperate? You have a fiancee, well done, have a biscuit. I'm sorry your life has come to this, but do I really have to watch?

Is this what late 20s is like - the pilot for a sitcom that will never air because the whole bitter and twisted thing is now passe?