Hi everyone here are my jokes. Rumour has it I'm up for the Ivor Novello award for joke-writing.

A chilli with leprosy that's been in the oven is a red hot chilli lepper.

What do you call a dolphin with a little black moustache? Adolf Hin

When measuring the temperature of something with a thermometer, if the temperature suddenly plummets, the correct thing to say is "That mercury has turned positively pluto"

When you're eating peas, if one rolls off your fork it is declared an 'escapea'.

If you come down with a sudden case of heartburn at a Shins gig, you should self-diagnose yourself with indiegestion.