Oh god, I've been moaning about hen parties and weddings conflicting with festival plans over the summer. Now the emails are coming round with the games, and dress up ideas, I think I may have to slit my wrists.

We are imaginatively going to be titled 'Bastin's Babes' we each have to be a different one of those letters in our pink and white rugby shirts. I might be the apostrophe.

They've given me responsibility for getting headboppers, willy straws and frigging L plates. Don't come to cornwall in May.