i like him alot. he sends me funny emails about our 5 a side football team:

"Also of note which bodes well for this season's campaign, you will notice that Westend FC, (the team of autistics from the day centre who shout at everyone and everything), have registered a win (14-6) against League newcomers Levy and the Lads. If those bunch of tw@ts can score 14 goals in a competitive match, I can only assume that poor Levy and his chums are all wheelchair-bound mongoloids. I relish that particular fixture.

I have also started to keep statistics for this season. After our first match they are as follows:

Top goal scorer

1 Bert - 5
2 Joe - 5
3 Dan - 2

Assists

1 Bert - 8
2 Dan - 2
3 Rob - 1
3 Ahj - 1
4 Joe - 0

Tackles

1 Dan- 42
2 Ahj - 41
3 Ahj - 40
3 Joe - 2
4 Rob- 2

Pass accuracy

1 Bert - 96%
2 Dan - 84%
3 Ahj - 52%
3 Joe - 16%
4 Rob- 4%

Speed

1 Bert - 98%
2 Joe - 80%
3 Rob - 62%
3 Dan- 14%
4 Ahj - 1%

Sword fighting

1 Bert - 97%
2 Ahj - 94%
3 Dan - 90%
4 Rob - 8%
5 Joe - 0% scared of violence

Biggest muscles

Bert - Herculean
Dan - Butch
Ahj - toned
Rob - pigeon chested, pre-pubescent schoolboy
Joe - none

Saves using testicles

1 Rob - 1

Shots spooned horribly wide whilst in front of an open goal

1 Joe - 28
2 Rob - 10
3 Dan - 6
4 Bert - 0

Shots hitting the post and bar

1 Bert - 4
2 Rob - 1
3 Dan - 1
4 Joe - 1
5 Ahj - 0

Longest hair

1 Ahj - 48cm
2 Dan - curly wurly ??
3 Bert - 5cm
4 Joe - 3cm
5 Rob - 3cm

Best at touching ladies

1 Bert - 69% (highest possible score)
2 Ahj - 68%
3 Dan - 67%
4 Joe - 12%
5 Rob - no existing records

Power

1 Bert - 99%
2 Dan - 89%
3 Joe - 14%
3 Ahj - 4%
4 Rob- -3%

Turbo

1 Bert - 100%
2 Dan - 82%
3 Joe - 81%
3 Ahj - 18%
4 Rob - 6%