I read an article in the Daily Mail this morning warning of the dangers of opaque foods. Apparently, if you eat foods you can't see through, you'll become chronically obese, your head will swell to the size and shape of a dachshund, you'll get hideous cancer of the face and die in screaming, bloated agony while all the local kids point and laugh at the dog-faced, dead fattie freak. The Mail's doctor has strongly advised that the only way to avoid this hideous fate is to eat only transparent foods, like water and jellyfish.

I'm dubious, though - I've lost 68 stone on my current diet, where I only eat foods that rhyme. So this week I've only eaten meat, sweets, things that tweet, a copy of Heat and my nephew's cleats. Bit worried about the last one, actually - they hadn't been washed, and I may well have botulism, which would explain the weight loss, the crippling pain, the endless Leons and the enormous distension of my abdomen. Still - no pain, no gain. So remember, kids: always boil your cleats.