that a "kieron dyer" actually exists.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/n/newcastle_united/6092610.stm
instead, newcastle own a group of brothers who look remarkably similar to each other, and they just get them to walk in and out of their stadium on match days and things. once ever couple of years or so the fastest one is put on a patch of green for a couple of minutes. if his nerves can withstand the pressure he just runs when he gets the ball, really really fast. if his nerves get to him he just falls on the floor, rolls over, checks that his diamond ring is still visible, and then gets substitued.
it's the post-modern 'pulling a rabbit out of a hat' trick.