i used to play for a 5 a side footy team called kebab attack. we discovered there was actually a food called this. my friend write this letter to them. i thought it was funny:

"Dear Sir,
 
My name is Bert Tolhurst and I am captain and chairman of Kebabattack FC, of the Barnet Powerleague, Division 5. Recently, during a trip to my local newsagents, whilst searching the aisles for a can of all-day-breakfast, I was delighted to discover Crosse and Blackwell’s latest meal-time sensation, ‘Kebab Attack’ in a can.
 
I have no doubt that, in time, your food engineers will win awards for their wizardry in creating the irresistible culinary concoction of chicken doner kebab pieces with baked beans in a spicy tomato sauce. I didn’t know that it was possible to squeeze that much flavour and goodness into one can. I can honestly say that this has made my week and also that of my fellow team mates who are now able to enjoy a can of 'Kebab Attack' before each match, helping them to prepare both mentally and physically for the game ahead.
 
As purveyors of the finest canned meals, Crosse and Blackwell have, with the creation of ‘Kebab Attack’, raised the standards of the game, taking convenience foods to a new level. In similar fashion, Kebabattack FC have raised the standards of Barnet Powerleague Division 5, to tantalising new heights. Last week, Rob bought some new goalie gloves from JD Sports and, soon, we are all hoping to get some silver trainers with laces that go down the side, like the ones that Thierry Henry wears - for hard shots. We are currently in 7th position after three victories.
 
Kebabattack are indeed, at the vanguard of the football revolution taking place in North London. Our ambitions however, stretch far beyond a few new pairs of jazzy trainers and some proper goalie gloves. We are dreaming of the time when we can stride out onto the pitch wearing a full matching kit featuring our kebab/lightning bolt design.
 
Unfortunately, at the present time, we are not in a position financially to realise this ambition. The reason that I am writing is to you therefore is to offer you the chance to join the revolution. We are currently in need of a sponsor who is prepared to invest in the future of Kebabattack FC. We require funds to cover the purchase of 8 shirts, 8 pairs of shorts and 8 pairs of socks plus some of those nose plasters that Robbie Fowler used to wear to help him snort coke more easily. Oh and some beer money for the Kebabattack Christmas party.
 
In return for your investment you will reap the benefits of a year long association with the most exciting and explosive footballing force on the number 234 bus route (since NWA were ejected from the league for being too exciting and explosive), an association worth literally, hundreds of pounds.
 
I would very much like to organise a meeting with your marketing department to discuss this matter further. As a personal friend of Jeremy Goss, I'm sure that I could persuade Jeremy to do a few promotional shots if this would help to secure the deal. I was thinking that we could get him to wear the new kit whilst doing a few keepie ups in front of a 6ft pyramid stack of Kebab Attack beans, possibly with both his thumbs up and a look of determination on his face.
 
I can be contacted at the above address or by email: captain_bert@hotmail.com. I look forwards to hearing from you.
 
Kind regards
 
Bert Tolhurst"