I'd like to be reassured that there are other people out there just as screwed up as me. I've had freaky dreams for years, but in the last week, I've remembered quite a few.

- needing to make toast. Making toast. Cat refusing to get off grill. Grilling toast with cat on grill. Cat not getting hurt. Toast was good.

- meeting a longstanding net buddy only to discover that he's 7ft, blonde, quite ugly, and naked, instead of 5ft 11, gorgeous, brunette and clothed. I was staying in a random hotel on a random trip and had about 30 boxes of shoes with me – some of which I was going to sell, most of which didn’t fit me. Uh huh.

- (back to the cat theme) - cat claws my foot, I kick it off, it scrambles across me and then wees in my ear as it is leaving. This cat is a stray – it had broken into my flat. Through a hole in the wall or something.

- big plant in bed with me (in the form of an inflatable chair, of COURSE). I hack it's (unopened) flowers off.

No, I have not watched little shop of horrors recently. No, I do not have a cat. No, I have not met any tall ugly blondes lately. And while I may have wanted toast, I haven’t thought about grilling someone else’s stray cat while doing it.