What the fuck is wrong with the world? On what fucking planet would he think that calling himself 'Simes' is an acceptable course of action? No-one in our group of friends has ever, EVER called him Simes to his face. Ever. Because, frankly, it sounds fucking ridiculous. Are we polo players from the Home Counties? 'I say, Simes, that's a fine steed you're riding there!' 'Why thank you Geoffrey, I had Jeeves prepare him this morning'. Simes. For fuck's sake. I'm all for nicknames, and have no problem with shortening your name for convenience/familiarity, but Simes contains the same number of letters as Simon! What's the fucking point? Is he trying to make us feel at ease with this? Because it's the wrong way to go about it. Does he want us to use this all the time now? Because I'd rather staple my fucking nuts to a table than call someone, in all seriousness, 'Simes'. Or is he trying to tell us subtly that he wants to leave us behind for a life of The Sunday Telegraph and cream teas served on freshly-pressed doilys? Fucking Simes.

Today is going to be fucking shit.