*Disclaimer* These are my own personal views and not in any way the views of drownedinsound.com

I am currently writing them a letter telling them how shite their customer service is. Any suggestions to improve it are welcome. It is as follows:

Dear NTL,

you suck. Your customer service is beyond appaling. Sorry, that statement is incorrect. Your customer service isn't appalling, because you don't have a customer service. Don't get it? Let me spell it out for you: to have a service that might be deemed bad (and I would deem it bad, if you had one), you need to have a service in place in the first instance. You, quite blatantly, don't. Here is an excerpt from an NTL board room meeting 'brainstorm';

"So, Dick, what hours do the majority of the country work?"

"Nine to five, boss"

"Nine to five, is it? Oh, great, then let's open up a service that is only open to the vast majority of the country during these hours, and then, we'll understaff it meaning that we're paying out less money. Anyone else have any bright ideas?"

"Umm .. how about we don't have a complaints department, let's just log the complaints and do fuck all about it"

"Genius! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you're an idiot who is only interested in making a quick buck?"

"Ha ha, good one, Tom. Seriously, though, it's a good idea. Any others?"

"Why not make sure that the staff are all badly trained, so that when customers do get through they get frustrated with those poor souls which means we don't get any heat"

"I like it, Harry, this stuff is gold, the general public won't know what to do. They'll probably die out of frustration and their grieving families will be too upset to cancel their accounts for a couple of months, it's all money in the bank for us, boys. Think of the bonuses we can have this year just by acting like a bunch of contemptous cunts"

"Boss, that reminds me, when am I going to get paid? The last cheque you gave me bounced, I can't afford to keep myself in regular visits to the whorehouse at this rate"

"Er .. yeah .. the thing about that is .. oh, I've gotta go, I have to go and set up another ludicrous, barely legal scheme to piss off the general public. So long, suckers"