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Jamie Cullum disclaimer
Not so long ago on the "Why you hate Jamie Cullen" thread, I wrote a beautifully sardonic response slagging him off in a semi serious way.
As a result of this, I was then promptly snipered by a plucky fan of the aforementioned musician, who decided to call me a twat and an 'NME reader' (which I'm not, honest!) whilst disecting the merits of my band ratings on my user profile; "how can you rate band 'X' more than band 'Y' you muppet" etc. As a result of this I feel I must set the record straight on my true opinion of young master C with this list (some of which I have previously iterated on other posts):
1. His face resembles a scrotum
2. He is also very simian-esque in a Jamie Oliver way.
3.Despite this he is still a handsome fella (in a manner of speaking). Young girls and menopausal women love him.
4. I respect him for his admiration of Jeff Buckley and his attempt to bring the said genuis to a new audience with his cover of "Lover you should have come over".
5. I really hate that bit on the tv advert for his album where he taps the top of his piano while singing "I Could Have Danced All Night".
6. Consequently, he is the Darius Danesh of Jazz
7. He is definitely a musician of considerable talent, whether you admit or not. He can sing pretty well, play the piano quite good and evidently has enough musical know-how to be able to rework a number of other peoples' songs (old and new) in a populist way to high financial fruition. That's a talent not to be sniffed at.
8.However, he is no genius or zeitgeist. He is just some young posh kid who would never be able to cut it amongst the Jazz greats that got lucky because his image and repotoire appealed to the corporate cunts because they knew it'd sell records. There are a million and one 'twentysomething' muso kids out there right now who have a better understanding of the art than he does yet do not have a record deal.
9. It would be no great loss to the music world if he was sodomised with his own piano and subsequently died of a sore arse. In fact, it would be quite funny.
10. If he put a rubber ring around his neck and entered the "world gurning championship" he would surely win.
11. It is not wrong or shameful to like him. I'd rather people buy his album than Michelle McManus' effort (Before anyone says anything against me for that, I am a Pop Idol obsessive and do not wish to criticise that aspect of the music world. Although I respect anyone's right to differeing opinions on the matter. Out of the final twelve, Susanne, Roxanne, Chris, Andy, Sam and Marc (the Glaswegian mugger not the brummie bore) at least, were all better singers than her. She only won because she was fat. Ipso Facto. Being a disabled person, I would hate to win something because people thought I was 'brave' or felt sorry for me, rather than for my superior ability/talent. I also dislike the prevailing western tendency to deify fatties (symbolised by Michelle and Kim's progreess in pop idol and Reuben's win in American Idol. There is nothing noble or admirable about glutting on loads of fatty foods and making yourself obese and ill. The only fat people out there who deserve our respect are those who are fat not because of a poor diet/lifestyle, but because of a genuine medical condition. As far as I know, Michelle is not amongst that number. Anyway, I digress, back to Cullum...)
12. I wouldn't be surprised if, in person, he was a really arrogant, conceited cunt.
13. Despite this, I don't hate him. The only musicians I really hold in strong disdain, and that immediately spring to mind, are Thom Yorke, the Darkness and, top of the list, that ginger wigga in Blazing Squad. He is more of a cunt that Jamie Cullum could ever be and he does for gingers what George Bush does for Americans. He thinks he's cool and he's not. The only cool ginger men I can think of are David Caruso (from CSI Miami and NYPD Blue), Josh Homme and Tommy Harris in Coronation Street (actor Thomas Craig, who was also in 'Where the Heart is')
Peace.....
As a result of this, I was then promptly snipered by a plucky fan of the aforementioned musician, who decided to call me a twat and an 'NME reader' (which I'm not, honest!) whilst disecting the merits of my band ratings on my user profile; "how can you rate band 'X' more than band 'Y' you muppet" etc. As a result of this I feel I must set the record straight on my true opinion of young master C with this list (some of which I have previously iterated on other posts):
1. His face resembles a scrotum
2. He is also very simian-esque in a Jamie Oliver way.
3.Despite this he is still a handsome fella (in a manner of speaking). Young girls and menopausal women love him.
4. I respect him for his admiration of Jeff Buckley and his attempt to bring the said genuis to a new audience with his cover of "Lover you should have come over".
5. I really hate that bit on the tv advert for his album where he taps the top of his piano while singing "I Could Have Danced All Night".
6. Consequently, he is the Darius Danesh of Jazz
7. He is definitely a musician of considerable talent, whether you admit or not. He can sing pretty well, play the piano quite good and evidently has enough musical know-how to be able to rework a number of other peoples' songs (old and new) in a populist way to high financial fruition. That's a talent not to be sniffed at.
8.However, he is no genius or zeitgeist. He is just some young posh kid who would never be able to cut it amongst the Jazz greats that got lucky because his image and repotoire appealed to the corporate cunts because they knew it'd sell records. There are a million and one 'twentysomething' muso kids out there right now who have a better understanding of the art than he does yet do not have a record deal.
9. It would be no great loss to the music world if he was sodomised with his own piano and subsequently died of a sore arse. In fact, it would be quite funny.
10. If he put a rubber ring around his neck and entered the "world gurning championship" he would surely win.
11. It is not wrong or shameful to like him. I'd rather people buy his album than Michelle McManus' effort (Before anyone says anything against me for that, I am a Pop Idol obsessive and do not wish to criticise that aspect of the music world. Although I respect anyone's right to differeing opinions on the matter. Out of the final twelve, Susanne, Roxanne, Chris, Andy, Sam and Marc (the Glaswegian mugger not the brummie bore) at least, were all better singers than her. She only won because she was fat. Ipso Facto. Being a disabled person, I would hate to win something because people thought I was 'brave' or felt sorry for me, rather than for my superior ability/talent. I also dislike the prevailing western tendency to deify fatties (symbolised by Michelle and Kim's progreess in pop idol and Reuben's win in American Idol. There is nothing noble or admirable about glutting on loads of fatty foods and making yourself obese and ill. The only fat people out there who deserve our respect are those who are fat not because of a poor diet/lifestyle, but because of a genuine medical condition. As far as I know, Michelle is not amongst that number. Anyway, I digress, back to Cullum...)
12. I wouldn't be surprised if, in person, he was a really arrogant, conceited cunt.
13. Despite this, I don't hate him. The only musicians I really hold in strong disdain, and that immediately spring to mind, are Thom Yorke, the Darkness and, top of the list, that ginger wigga in Blazing Squad. He is more of a cunt that Jamie Cullum could ever be and he does for gingers what George Bush does for Americans. He thinks he's cool and he's not. The only cool ginger men I can think of are David Caruso (from CSI Miami and NYPD Blue), Josh Homme and Tommy Harris in Coronation Street (actor Thomas Craig, who was also in 'Where the Heart is')
Peace.....