at about 2:30 sunday morning, queing up to get some chips and there's this girl in front of me. Some other guy in the shop notices the girl's tatoo and says "that girl's got a tatoo on her arm that says 'Anthony', and d'ya know what? I bet he's a really nice guy"

i hadn't laughed so much since earlier in the night when some girl was threataning to show me her "camel hoof".

Hoof???? fucking 'ell!