Last night, I watched The Bill. Nothing major there, I do that every week. However, in a commercial break, I spilt what can only be described as 'the ashtray' on the floor. Being the tidy sort of chap I am, and also noticing the hoover staring at me from across the room, I thought I would set to work on clearing up my clumsy error.

While I had the hoover out, I thought I may as well give the floor a quick once-over, and then utilised the snake-like-sucky-endy-bit to get in the gap by the sofa. Then disaster struck. As I stretched the snake-thing to reach the gap, the Hoover toppled down upon my pretty face.

I woke up five seconds later with blood streaming down my face. I now have a crap lump and cut on my once perfect face. I am unhappy.