Bloody irritating. Seriously, which of you jokers thought I'd appreciate being on the British Geriatrics Society mailing list? Eh? I'll get you yet.

They've just sent me some exciting information about their new campaign to deliver dignity in toilet access and use, including guidelines on 'Respectful language: Discussions with people must be respectful and courteous especially in regards to episodes of incontinence".

This is like that time when I was about 13 and some clown of a schoolfriend signed me up to some dodgy niche porn mailing list, and I got a series of short stories about fantasies about giants including lines like 'He was so big, he picked me up in one hand and stared down at me with eyes as big as my body. As I lay there in fear, I felt the familiar tingle down below which signalled impending orgasm...'

'kin mailing lists.