Fickle Public – They don’t sound like Yo La Tengo, but they like to scream like little boys having their teeth pulled by their naked mothers. Eat Fugazi, swim indie-punk.

One Inch Volcano – Sludgepop breeds Thurston Moore shaking skeletons in a dirty Scottish cupboard. Kyuss lives in green fields, not deserts.

Treebeard – Guitars are not in tune. Mac Superchunk was wrong, Pavement did not eat their own sweaters, they played Beatles songs out of key. Good.

The Red Letter Code – Exeter lives with the fear of having too many boybands. Girls don’t like rock but this isn’t rock like girls. Whiney, indie, female-fronted punk pretty girls.

Tybalt – Texas trail is not dead, plagiarism sinks like art on cheap boat. Manic Street Preachers died and Kinesis killed the rest.

Dead Or American – Five-piece band wall plays Dischord guitar like onion-stinking Scot. Sounds like David Yow.

Mean+Flower – Indie-blatting bass breaks vocal-steamed carousel Buckleyness. Smells like Muse wearing suits.

The Party – Funk is like North London devil animals. Punk is like South London stealing copshops. The two don’t mix.

The Warren Commission – The Russians killed Kennedy. The Warren Commission had nothing to do with it. Indie girl songs not about dumping boyfriends. Probably. Get lots of indie disco ass.

Pure Reason Revolution – Made CD player break. Sounds like toothpaste ad and old bands pasted onto new hype.

Solanoid – Skanky, A&R cum-sucking nightmare/dream. Ash killed cool kids dead Star Wars is still kicking the Sub Pop parallel.

Calico – Cay sunk like dead babies chewing on Camden wasps. Don’t scream at the organ grinder, scream at the indie girls, monkey boy.

Candy Sniper – Fugazi said they’d appear on compilation. Forgot. Candy Sniper turned up instead.

Papercuts – Ross from Symposium was rubbish in 1998. Ross from Symposium is still rubbish in 2003. Band sounds like old man pipe-smoking guff nonsense. Hell Is For Heroes got signed for a reason. This is it.

Senator – Camouflage-smoking Gang Of Four fans. Should have been beaten up in Slint school of sooth.

Bareface – Thursday was so last week, Tuesday is the new cool and it just got signed to Vagrant. Cool chunk coco-bashing pop.