Chart round-up: DiShing the dirt on girlband's poor sales, AND MORE...

Like today wasn’t great enough already what with that Killers versus Razorlight news and our latest readership figures, here’s the chart round-up.

Akon (pictured, praying his balls never drop and ruin his career) somehow climbs to one in the singles chart with ‘Smack That’; we can only assume the song’s risen from twelve to the table’s summit because of Eminem’s involvement. He’s the one that raps while his mate whines irritatingly about some misogynistic shit or other. Justin Timberlake’s excellent second single from his FutureSex/LoveSounds LP, ‘My Love’, climbs from fourteen to two; like Akon, JT’s first-week position was based on downloads only.

Westlife’s ‘The Rose’ slip from one to three, Take That debut at four on downloads alone with ‘Patience’ - expect it to climb to one on Sunday – and Beyoncé remains at five with ‘Irreplaceable’. The next new entry, after Take That, is Emma Bunton’s ‘Downtown’ at twenty-four; Little Man Tate’s ‘Man, I Hate Your Band’ is new at twenty-six. The Maccabees breach the forty at forty with ‘First Love’.

Other new entries include The Feeling at forty-three (‘Love It When You Call’, Red Hot Chili Peppers at fifty (‘Snow (Hey Ho)’) and Captain at sixty-two (‘Frontline’). Razorlight’s ‘In The Morning’ re-enters the top seventy-five at seventy-three.

Albums! George Michael is straight in at one with Twenty-Five, knocking Jamiroquai’s best-of, High Times, down to two; Sugababes are in at three with their best-of, Overloaded. I have it!

All Angels - your guess is as good as mine – debut at nine with a self-titled album. I’ve just been told they’re like Il Divo but for paedophiles. Sounds good! Tenacious D’s appalling The Pick Of Destiny is new at ten – oi you, teenagers! Grow some taste – and former Blue fella Simon Webbe sees his Grace make eleven.

The Game (he’s a rapper you know, formerly of G-G-G-G-G-Unit!) lands at twenty-one this week with Doctor’s Advocate, a place below Yusuf (Cat Stevens, innit) whose An Other Cup debuts at twenty. Score! Further down, Jarvis’ Jarvis is new at thirty-seven, with All Saints’ comeback Studio 1 LP making its mark a little lower, at forty. Oh dear, girls: your position sucks!

Plus 44, or +44, are new at fifty with When Your Heart Stops Beating, and Nicole Kidman’s hubby Keith Urban can only make seventy-three, despite his face being all over the gossip rags, with Love Pain & The Whole Crazy Thing. Good thing your lady’s minted, Mr Urban.

Yeah, that’s it. New releases, they’re here. You can look at them if you like. But only if you like. Alternatively you could do what I’m going to do in five or so minutes: go home.