The Christmas Contenders

If one thing that is certain to happen over the festive period, it's that people will release musical songs that they hope will turn out to be, as they say in the industry, "hits". Sadly, as this article will prove, the quality of these aforementioned songs are, well, piss-poor. We'll start with the favourite....

Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman -"Somethin' Stupid"

Are they shagging?, the Daily Mail readers cry! Who gives a fuck! Say the rest of us. Here, two famous people cover a romantic old love song by another old famous person and his daughter. Robbie Williams wouldn't mind being Frank Sinatra, would he? Anyway, enough of my gumph, the song's...OK.

Cliff Richard - "Somewhere Over The Rainbow/WonderfulWorld"

As all the tabloids say, cos they think it's funny, it wouldn't Christmas without Cliff! And how right they are. Wen the son of God was being born that December night 2000 years ago, Cliff was in that Barn with Hank Marvin doing an acoustic version of "Move It". He got chucked out by a wise man in the end. This song makes me cry. Cliff has recorded two old 'numbers' as he so wonderfully calls them, stuck them together and ruined them both! Give this man a prize!

Starsailor-"Lullaby"

Wouldn't it be cool if this got to Xmas number one?!! No? What do you mean it’s shit? My Dad loves em!

Ian Van Dahl- "Will You"

You remember old Ian don't you? It's a woman!! Arf! She did the era-ruining "Castles In The Sky" way back in the mists of time. This? Sounds pretty much the same to me. But then this new Dance Music always does. Kelly Jones told me that.

Samantha Mumba - "Lately"

Have you seen that video?? Surely she simply is Janet Jackson!!?? Sadly, this is a decent enough record, and I sung it to my Mum today while she was having a bath. She simply carried on scrubbing. Dark Horse for Xmas Number 1? Or is that racist?

Emma Bunton - "We're Not Gonna Sleep Tonight"

Like her previous two singles, this is pretty good, but there's too much too much to hate about the ex-Baby to make her a true star. Like the flirting with Andi Peters, and the way she's attached to her mum. But still, you would, wouldn't you fellas??! Or are you like Andi Peters?

Dido - "All You Want"

Right, I'll be honest with you. I don't think I've ever actually heard this song. But I'm guessing it involves strummed acoustic guitars, chilled-out beats, a soaring, made for Virgin Radio chorus, and Dido singing on it. How clever am I?

And that's just about it. I don't know about you, but I'm rushing out to buy the Sum 41 album. To give to my dog. To eat.