Parents? Who'd have them? Sadly most of us "youngsters" are lumbered for a good part of 40 years with them. If your lucky you may love them. If your amazingly lucky, they may give you money for spending time with them. Sadly, this happens once in an extremely blue moon. On your journey from cradle to grave, they offer pieces of, what they term, "Advice". What that mean by that word is, of course, lies.
1."You'll Be Sorry" No I won't. I'll laugh menacingly and rub my hands together. All I know about the word 'regret' is the rather snazzy New Order song. I'm young. It's, as Ulrika Jonsson tells me, Dog Eat Dog out there. Sorry is for wimps.
2."You Look Lovely" Clearly you and I read different dictionaries. 'Lovely' to me, suggest something attractive to the opposite sex. NOT a pair of mittens tied to my coat. And that nasty man keeps putting his hands down my bun-bag.
3."If The Wind Changes, You'll Stay That Way" Nurse!!! I think mother needs her tablets again!!!!! She's making woefully insane quotes about the ins and outs of my face!!
4."If You Work Hard, You Can Achieve Anything!" Yes, but if I work hard, no one will like me. They'll laugh and point at me. I'll never be invited to Saturday afternoons at the MegaBowl. I won't get drunk until my 30th Birthday. I'll have deep-rooted psychological problems. Suicide may be the only option!!
5."Just Because He Does It, Doesn't Mean YOU Have To" Actually, if HE does it, it means I'm not alone. It means I can have a soul-mate. It means that I'm following the crowd. It means if he gets hurt doing it, I won't!! Oh, and don't make your stupid analogy about heads being stuck in ovens. We haven't even got an Oven, for fuck's sake.
6."You'll Catch Cold" Nope. I'm young, fresh, and vital. I've got a great immune system which means that I dig my Muse T-Shirt during February. You, on the other hand. may well wanna wrap up. Tis a bit bracing out there.
7."I'm Only Thinking Of You" What!!!!!!! When did I come before money, sex, cars, public transport, Eastenders, Heartbeat, Boyzone, Chocolate, DIY, The Daily Mail..............etc, ad infinitum.
8."Eat Your Greens, There Good For You" A well known fact, at least amongst those with brains, is that ALL healthy food can be purchased from that worrying Asian fella at McDonalds. Now, where’s a 'McGreen', eh?? Don't see one there, do ya?? I'll have a super size Big Mac If your buying, by the way.
9."Don't Take Drugs, There Bad For You" Actually what's fucking bad for me, is your woefully undercooked greens and the Conservative brainwashing of the Daily Mail!!! So pass me that joint, pop, or I'll tell Mum about you and that Gorilla we met in Florida. What?? It was an accident?? What do you mean it charmed you into bed?? Sounded pretty fucking voluntarily to me!!
10."I Love You" Of course you do. Now give me money.