Hi, and welcome to Muttz Club... nice! Tonight we will be studying the surface on vinyl records....groovy!
Hahahaha... Muse trashing the stage on CD:UK... that was just the funniest shit EVER seen... apart from the 'fans' in the pit where the idea of 'pogo-ing' is as alien as not losing your virginty at the age of 12.
Suggs, from idol of the 80's 2-tone revolution with one of the greatest bands in British history to Question Of Pop captain with Jamie 'I Am A Twat With A (alledged) Small Penis' Theakston and presenter of 'Night Fever' on Channel 5... where did it all go wrong?
Are you ready for my arranged one hit wonders tour? The artists include Chesney Hawkes, House Of Pain, Nina, Chris De Burgh, Partners In Kryme, Men At Work, Catch, Snow, Babylon Zoo & EMF... relive all those old clasics but don't call for encore... deja vu-tastic.
'Welcome ladies & gentlemen to the new net game show, 'The Leakiest Wank', presented by Colin Robinson and his lovely ginger toupee.
Todays contestants are Robbie from London, used to be a fat dancer in a boy band that got lucky. We also have Marilyn, from the United States. He loves singing and upsetting religous sects and can often be found walking around the Body Shop or Boots, trying their fragrances and finding the right shade of black eye shadow. Next up is Courtney. She is also from the US and is a washed up alcoholic actress with a drugs problem and a famous ex-husband. Last up is Noel. He has 2 wives, 1 eyebrow, no talent. Lets start shall we?
The first round involves you all making as much publicity for yourself in an original way in 3 minutes.
At the end of that round, you get no points... Robbie, whipping your wanger out and showing your belly is not original. Same for you Marilyn, your arse has seen more faces then a 100 sided die. Courtney, you still alive there love? Drug over doses are very passee nowadays... so is whipping out your tits, but nice try all the same. And Noel, you came close, but strutting around like a twat and swearing a lot has to be ruled out for being written in the rock stars handbook.
Now, on to the second round. We want you all to write a song that doesn't sound like someone else.
'As we reach the end of this round, do any of these people realise that their careers are almost over seeing as the music buying public really couldn't give a shit about them? We will see as we continue, The Leakiest Wank!'
Well, team, that was a bit of a struggle wasn't it? We won't even go into how badly you did, especially you Robbie.... it is hard when there is no-one to write the songs for you isn't it? Oh, don't cry... here, look at your bank balance... now don't you feel better? And Noel, I think I heard a little similarity with your song 'I Am The Bagpuss' didn't I?
For our next and final round, we are going to show you each a picture of some people... we want you to tell us who they are. First of is you Robbie, who are these four here? No, they are not your accountants, want to try again? Nope, not your PR people either... their are your former friends in Take That... remember that guy who actually had some talent and lead the rest of you while u kinda warbled in the background and flashed your chests a bit?
Next up is Marilyn. Who is this... no, it isn't your old bin man, try again. No, not a walking cliche of gothic industrial either.. but you were very close. It is in fact, Trent Reznor... remember him? In a band called Nine Inch Nails? Made the world hear of you because when you were in the Spooky Kids you were complete wank? Completely launched your career single handed... you don't remember? Oh, you did it all yourself without any help from anyone... right, my mistake.
Now Courtney, who is this? Hello.. Hello, Courtney? Yeah, this way love.. follow the voices. Yeah, who is this? No, not Dame Vera Lynn, want to try again? No, not your latest bit of dick either. It is in fact, your ex husband Kurt Cobain. The guy that made you famous for being the greatest fuck on earth.... you know their is still a debate as to wether he meant to say greatest or stupidest... still... oh, she's passed out again.
Last of all is you Noel... who is this? Oh, so close.. no it isn't your former band in drag, it is , in fact, The Beatles. You know, you are their tribute band? 4 lads from Liverpool 30 years before your time who you decided to kinda sound like a bit, but the subtlety was about as much as Jeremy Speight's (that prick from Airport who was as gay as 2 feather dusters but kept slagging off Julian Clary on TV) sexuality?
Well, at the end of this show, all 4 contestants got no points at all. Which just goes to show that all the money and people in the world can't stop you being a useless fuck wit in public if that is what you really are. This was 'The Leakiest Wank'... goodbye!
Kelly Jones of the Stereobollox, I mean Stereophonics, a worker in McDonalds? I mean, they keep saying 'Have A Nice Day' as well.. has the truth come out... oh no, that's Michael Stipe... my mistake.
Actually come to think of it, who will be next to come out of the closet? My money is on Rick Astley... I mean, he has been hiding in there since the late 80's or so, he has to come out sooner or later!
I had a thought as well. France gave us Air, Belgium gave us Soulwax, Finland gave us HIM, Sweden gave us Abba, Norway gave us A-Ha and the greatest contribution was from the Germans, giving us the mullet (stable for every comedy moment and rock band of the 80's)... but what have the Dutch given us? 2 Unlimited, thats what!!! I think war should be declared now. Ban Edam, burn the clogs, close down the windmills...it's a disgrace!
As usual, it is chart time again. I have decided, that this time it should be body parts...
1) Lets Talk About Necks - Salt & Pepper
2) From Ear You Can See Yourself - Cable
3) Finger - Cranberries
4) Knees Like The Wind - Patrick Swayze
5) Let The Feet Control Your Body - 2 Unlimited
6) American Eye - Don Mclean
7) Push Tit - Garbage
8) Hair She Goes - The La's
9) Generation Pecs - Divine Comedy
10) The Girl Is Spine - Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney
Time to go me thinks, due mainly to being stuck in the middle of a mind disco inferno (my hyperthalemus wearing flares is a sight to behold!) and remember in the words of the Sultans Of Ping 'Dancing In The Disco, Bumper To Bumper, Wait A Minute... Where's Me Jumper!?!'