The Features

Note to readers: the following is copy sent to me, Jeffrey Onions, by my gig-going alter ego. I'm kinda like Superman in some respects, and not in others, and also a top-notch lawyer. So what the fuck you gonna do, Willis?

The Features all wear sweaters without arms except for the bassist, who looks like a hairy lumberjack, and the keyboard player, who wears a flatcap and big orange shades. He's fat and ginger though, which is probably why he wears a flat cap. They are good, I like them, now fuck off.

No? Okay... 'Blow It Out' was a good song. Actually, it was the best one they played. They also played a song called 'A Million Ways To Sing The Blues', which was very good. Not that I was watching, but everyone seemed to enjoy those two even though they were waiting for the* Kings Of Leon* who, it must be said, were not as good as The Features in terms of giving a shit.

Basically, The Features put a lot of energy into the whole shebacleism (no, me neither), especially the drummer, who seemed to be very thirsty 'cause he was drinking a lot of water, but then it is hard work. Isn't it? Oh. He was very good, actually. Actually, they were all very good. The bassist reminds me of someone else when he does his backing singing, but I don't know who. That's not very helpful to you, is it? He looked to be in some kind of pain and he had a full beard. Respect.

The only one who doesn't sing along with their songs, two of which were good (did I mention that?), is the keyboardist, but he did click his fingers, nod and clap along to the first song. It was funny and I laughed. I think other people probably did too, but I don't know if it was meant to be funny. Actually, it wasn't that funny... stop going on about it you dick. Anyway, it started to grate a bit when they refused to go away and let the Kings Of Leon come on, but I suppose that is to be expected. Anyway, very good, very entertaining. Blah.

_I hope that made sense to you, readers. Now fuck off and bring me some poached salmon.

Love, Jeffrey Onions_