1 line.
Dylan Moran on self improvement programs - "... you end up sitting in front of the television watching these programs eating bread - from the bag... dipping it in anything runnier than bread."
Or on sheer delivery alone -
Eddie Izzard - "... no, it is true."
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=o78MkSWe8Mw
..
I've got two bad habits, smoking, and masturbation. I'm a twenty a day man, and I smoke like a chimney.
:D
:D
Don't make me Ang Lee,
You wouldn't like me when I'm Ang Lee
hahahahhaha
Stuart Lee
:)
I love that dude, I saw him in a village hall not long ago it was awsome.
the best thing he ever did
was the very start of that tour where he used to arrive silently on stage, and then silently motion two people up onto the stage, and silently pull party crackers over their heads. Pause. Then: "And, on the eleventh of September two thousand and one..."
Genius timing (that you can't really pull off writing the same).
hahah
yeah I have seen him do that on youtube
he is a legend I want to see him again badly.
Do ya remember him on Time Trumpet when he did loadsa bits just normal as him. Then even more snippets as him but bald and eventualy there was him arguing with the interviewer abiut why they made him shave his head and do more hehehhehe
Do you have the youtube thing?
yes
the eleventh of september opening line still gets me everytime - the timing is perfect
incredible :D
I love Eddie Izzard so much
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-tl6GBOBo
just everything he does, on the spot in his shows, funny.
Just watch the video that the Izzard video is a response to...
Amazing scenes...
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
Mitch Hedberg
"This will be in stores, the only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take it in and leave it."
Sean Rouse
"Retarded people can't go to heaven. It's not their fault, they just can't understand the concept of a God - and it's not like they're Indians, you can't beat it into them."
on the pregnant man:
"congratulations, it's a boy! unfortunately it's blown your cock off"
heheh
I like that :)
Frankie Boyle is great!
he's the only thing worth watching on Mock The Week!
Things you're unlikely to hear on a game show:
*answers phone* it's the banker, he says he's got your kids!
Also....
"Anti-speeding adverts should just be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his wedding day!"
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHPnR0jn5Os&feature=related
"Exterminate daffodils"
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yjJFt3uFVw&feature=related
one thing i like most about that ^
is that Hugh Dennis rushes in afterwards and has to stand looking smarmy while faced with someone else's applause.
Also:
"Saddam's death showing up on Youtube was appaling, i only gave it two stars."
He did a better one about masturbating to that
for the life of me i cant remember it. Please someone help
"Finishing in the library, Harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves"
On Thatcher's state funeral:
"For £30million you could buy everyone in Glasgow a shovel, we'll dig a hole so deep you could hand her over to Satan personally."
Recently departed George Carlin
"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."
"If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?"
"Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have a 'S' in it?"
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
My favourite Carlin quote is:
"Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old."
Louie CK
"If I could go back in time, the two things I'd do would be to rape Hitler and erase my daughter"
"If it's free, I can't fuckin' afford it."
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9GKOqdr0-e8&NR=1
:D
Almost anything by Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
I'm a peripheral visionary
I see into the future, but way off to the side.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
--
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit
"you're alive you're alive you're alive you're alive you're dead"
No flag
no country
lol
'Britain! What's that behind your back?'
'India and a number of other small countries...'
'Give them back!'
'OH ALL RIGHT THEN! *plonk, plonk, plonk* Falkland Isles? Keeping those....'
I love bill hicks
he really is that good
"I've tossed universes in my underpants... while napping."
I enjoy listening to a bit of Demetri Martin
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
I remember when I really used to be into nostalgia...
Craig Campbell is pretty genius
"when you're trying to shag a moose you need a plan..."
Bill Bailey
"What I want to do now is...no what I really want to now is grow my beard really long, lash it to my pubes and strum it like a harp...but that's more of a long term plan"
:D
"I had a rubbish first job
selling doors door-to-door."
Don't go supermarket shopping when on heavy duty hallucinogenics
...you stand out."
Prince Philip is pretty good
http://listverse.com/humor/top-15-quotes-of-prince-philip/
http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/node/8404
Oof, we went a bit far with no Woody Allen
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying."