= far healthier than a stale cookie i found on top of the work fridge + 2 potato scones (now ingested)

same here. He also played drums in a band and really liked me. I think he was my first man crsuh... :x

People often write me lengthy, complex, completely misspelled emails informing me in graphic detail exactly how much I suck. Sometimes these messages contain explicit drawings depicting the various ways I fail to meet even basic expectations of a mentally retarded janitor, while others compare my writing style to the prose etched into Taco Bell bathroom walls. Flame emails represent the greatest benefit of working on the Internet; within seconds of expressing your thoughts or opinions on your own free website, the average Internet user will receive anywhere between 100 and 1,000 flame emails comparing him to a particularly revolting strain of bacteria living in a certain barnyard animal's anus. Most seasoned newspaper and television reporters often quit the industry for Internet reporting jobs, just to take advantage of this useful free feature. Not many people know this, but the whole reason Dan Rather retired from CBS was so he could open his own website, "DAN RATHER'S AWESOME PICS AND SHIT" which currently features a series of clips depicting him skateboarding off his deck and throwing rotten fruit at a street sign while choice selections from "A Perfect Circle" blares in the background.

I try to view flame mail as a useful service; if I never checked my email, how else would I be aware of how much I suck? I mean, my mother isn't going to call me up and start screaming, "hey Rich, you like to have sex with dogs because you're dumb and gay and you have the intelligence of a charcoal briquette," although that's partially because she knows it's impossible for me to pick up the phone while having sex with my dogs. Unfortunately, some folks don't appreciate the Internet's quick and effortless ability to distribute obscene, curse-filled diatribes to anybody within seconds. These people, upon discovering somebody's rather negative opinion of them, react furiously and begin a counterattack which they believe will surely set their aggressor straight. Of course this seldom works, as the average Internet flame war lasts roughly 14 years and sometimes spans multiple generations of users. Do you remember the infamous, bloody Hatfields and McCoys feud? That whole thing was started when Staton Hatfield sent an AIM message to Sam McCoy saying, "Y DID U STEAL MY HOG LOL???"

If you're itching for a confrontation and possess both the time and patience to debate one of the countless Internet denizens lacking any semblance of a life, feel free to consult the following handy guide to winning any Internet argument ever. Following these simple, easy steps will solidify your position in the Internet Hall of Debating Fame, which is currently just a Post-It note stuck to the bottom of a E.L. Fudge package in Toledo, Ohio basement.

1) NEVER DEFEND YOUR OWN POINTS. Don't forget this monumental Internet argument cornerstone even if you fall down a well and get amnesia and learn you're pregnant with your mother's son's evil twin. Never, under any circumstance, attempt to defend what you've said; just attack the other person's argument over and over and over until one of you dies of old age or some legislative branch agrees to shut down the Internet forever. Defending yourself or your argument is a weak act of desperation which informs your enemy that you're completely open to attack. The grizzled Internet debater will never address the validity of their previous claims, instead opting to forge ahead and stay on the offensive despite any erroneous or outright false statements they said in the past, effectively keeping the enemy on their toes. You should view Internet arguments as a really crummy fighting game: only the utter idiots bother pressing the "block / defend" button. While your enemy cowers in a corner with their arms raised above their face to futilely protect them, real men pull off complex 408-move combos that involve transforming into a fiery phoenix of doom and releasing unrelenting waves of liquid napalm Satan clown death upon them.

And I'm wasting my weekend here. I don't know what I am though. The one who's rather nervous and doesn't want to embarrass himself?
The one who can't seem to stop himself from sounding a bit twee?
How does one go about getting recognised on here anyway? Not that I want a lot of attention.

well, not directly