like, stupidly amazing. the kind of thing you see in asian kids who never leave the house and got seizures from that episode of pokémon. that is my dream.

Bigger hands and bigger sex organs.

2. If you could instantly master one skill, what would it be?

Singing. Then I'd become the new Morrissey.

3. can you actually think of another?

Titus Bramble

1. Easy, buzz saw hands.

2. Ice sculpture. Every time I see Bill Murray doing it in Groundhog Day it makes me want to learn.

3. Ryan Giggs is fucking hopeless, the most one-sided footballer that has ever existed. Marking him out of a game is an absolute piece of piss, make sure he has to take it on his right foot. After that he's a real Ronny Rosenthal.

And my achingly obvious answer to question 3 is Matthew le Tissier.

Thanks

1. All sorts of stuff. Lasers in the eyes, wings, cat-like reflexes. We're hugely flawed.

2. Football.

3. Rio Ferdinand is the best defender in the world at the moment, so him. After that, depends what you mean by world class. There have been a good 30-odd players at least over that period who held their own at the highest level. Shearer, Beckham, Owen, Gerrard, G.Neville, Ince... all world class at their peak.

2. To be able to fluently speak any given language.

3. Steve McManaman, easy. England just didn't know how to use him to his best.

Lampard, Gerrard, Rooney, Ferdinand, Terry, Seaman, Owen, G.Neville, Shearer, J.Cole, Campbell were/are all world-class players.

If you're saying that none of these players are/were, you may as well say there is no such thing as a world-class player.

1) the sort of x-ray vision that James Bond has in Goldeneye or whatever. Y'know, the one where he is somehow able to look under everyones clothes but not through flesh or bone. basically seXy-ray vision.

2) I would be able to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

3) I dunno, probably scholes if he was able to tackle.

We could learn to migrate for the summer, and thus a) cut down on our carbon footprints and b) reduce the need for anyone, ever, in the history of the world, to need to possibly visit Luton and its Airport.

2. I'd like to be able to improve my memory to such an extent that I remembered everything, ever, no matter how small it seemed at the time. That way I could answer the 'Oh, you must remember, I told you about it the other day...' with 'No you didn't, fuck off'. Or just remember the conversation in the first place.

3. Steve McManaman

I've pissed about trying to learn guitar for ages, but being not in the least bit dextrous I've never managed anything other than the most basic chords. And I soon forget about those to be honest.

Plus, judging by the 'inner groupies' thread, the ladies would love/tolerate me if I had some semblance of talent. Perhaps now's the time to take up the maracas.

3. Rio Ferdinand

2. Orchestration
3. Me, before the injury

1. I wish that there was a natural mechanism to be able to such your balls up inside of you at the first sign of trouble. I dont mean just have the sack shrivel a bit, I mean really right up there. This would resolve many issues that we weak men have.

2. I would love to be able to speed read. I have a friend who can do it, and he retains so much information from it.

3. Rod Thornley.

1. Immunity to cancer. On a less flippant note, an ability to see the wider picture, so better logic skills.

2. Phenomenal maths ability. As in Gauss/LaPlace/Nash only better. Then I could work in academia in a a maths department where people only concentrate on being clever, not rich.

3. Alan Shearer.

People always have different definitions of 'world class' when it comes to footballers, making it a very difficult question

2) The ability to work whilst asleep
3) Nigel Spink. Although if we're talking outfield players then Tony Adams. The best British centre half since Bobby Moore.

2 - Master of all instruments.

3 - Seaman, Scholes, LeTissier

1. A third hand would definetly come in useful, but from an aesthetic point of view would be too messy and asymmetrical.
Perhaps faster vision. I recently discovered that humans are capable of seeing twentyfive frames a second, whereas birds can see something like a hundred frames per second, meaning if they were to watch our TV, the images would be static, like a slide show. This enables them to sit in front of a car until the very last second before flying away. I'm sure this'd come in handy for many things.

2.The language one is an excellent one and I'd love to have it, but I should really be more original than that. The becoming a master of all instruments one would have been my choice to be honest, but it's already been mentioned. Does it have to be a realistic skill? Can I say talking to animals? Or does it have to be something I could actually learn? Either way, I'd quite like to be a psychic.

3. I fail at life. I don't even know any rubbish ones.

1: I would like to improve the male human body by getting rid of male pattern baldness. It doesn't seem right that some men lose hair and others don't.

2: Probably the skill to grow more hair on top of my head. And to be able to make other people's head hair grow by looking at them. I would win awards and friends.

3: I don't know much about football. Has there been a world class player who had a lot of hair? Him.

1. I think the senses could be improved, heightened, so that blindness and deafness would be completely obliterated.

2. I like the thought of knowing a language instantly. Especially Japanese, then I'd just move there forever. Or I'd like to be a piano maestro.

3. I don't like football and don't know any footballers well enough to make a choice.

this would be fun, and also get rid of the need for highly polluting airplanes.

2. Hypnosis

3. Teddy Sheringham, Alan Shearer, Roy Keane, David Beckham, Ian Wright & Rio Ferdinand