This is real life, not a film. There are no rules.
In films however, there are rules. One of which is this:
1) When a character says "This is real life, not a movie" they are still in a film.
2) Every film must contain the line "Let's get outta here!"
3) The American President in times of crisis must intone in a gravelly voice: "My... GOD!"
4) Cars can be hotwired by selecting any two wires at random and putting them together.
5) When driving a car, you don't really have to look at the road when you're talking to someone.
There are more. List them here for our edification.
Not a rule, but this bugs me.
When characters are in a restaurant and only pick up the menu to have a look when the waiter comes over.
what's worse is when
the waiter brings their food over, they take one bite before leaving and not even paying!
I'm really envious of how movie
characters can make a food-related decision within five seconds.
6) girls fall in love with the cute geeky guy
7) there are no toilets
6) Gay men are always at least slightly camp
7) Gay women are always hot
You need to see
Better Than Chocolate
Actually, don't. It's terrible.
8)
when the hero cuts the wire on a bomb and pick the correct one, he will have >1 second left on the helpful timer that tells him when the bomb is going to go off. He will also always get the correct wire without fail.
*please can someone tell me a film when he doesnt and gets blown up. I would LOVE this to happen.
Naked Gun 2 1/2 ?
well he unplugs it by mistake instead anyway!
Speed?
keanu reeves gets blown up in speed?
i dont remember that!
Jeff Bridges does
Jeff Daniels?
...
Someone named Jeff?
the blonde guy from Dumb and Dumber.
Jeff off Byker Grove?
?
you are making this up.
He does!
Yeah he does
they go into the house and it goes KABOOOOMM! Admittedly it's not the bomb on the bus that kills him, but yeah.
Lethal Weapon 3!
9)
the film will always have a happy ending, unless it wants to win an oscar.
>_
nearly all laptop computers have the ability to override and infect the computer systems of an invading alien race.
when someone is driving down a straight and clear road they will always turn the steering wheel to the left and right.
:D:D:D:D
@ the 1st one.
also: no computer used by anyone will have windows as an operating system.
...
Snap!
That's not true: The evil Arabs in True Lies have Windows 3.11
Or maybe Windows for Networks :D
...
USE THE NUMBERING SYSTEM. DO YOU WANT ANARCHY?!
11) A bike rolling into frame will always be accompanied by the sound of a bike bell. Why? So we know there's a bike.
12) Computers are not allowed to use Windows or Mac OS. They have their own UI, which the characters are always familiar with.
Also:
When using any laptop to infect the computer systems of an invading alien race, actually typing can be substituted for bashing random keys hard enough to make a "click clack" sound.
Also, the person doing this must be a "nerd" with thick glasses and possibly a hawain shirt.
13)
no one ever uses a mouse or touchpad on a laptop. they are all keyboard shortcut gods.
...
34) The scientist who saves the world must establish he is smart enough to do so by playing chess and making a checkmate that another character views as an impossibility.
stop it
you're making me want to watch Independence Day, and it's far too late to start now.
No one should ever WANT to watch Independence Day
.
10) when a character is having a flashback or recalling a memory, he will somehow still see it in 3rd person
Yes.
This annoys me no end.
American cars explode on impact
unless it's the cardboard boxes in the alleyway they're hitting
ok!
11) A character will always survive an epic battle/war unless he makes the fatal error of showing someone a picture of his/her sweetheart from back home.
...
53) You're in the crew of a plane in a war movie. Are you the pilot? No? Then you will die.
but
54) the pilot always dies first, often from a stray bullet which hits him smack in the face leading his co-pilot to panic and the plane to crash
In any film
it is actually VERY easy to see whilst swimming underwater, even in the sea.
THIS ^^
I pointed this out to my sister once and she said that they probably had contacts in. That would surely make it worse?!!!!
/
In a tragedy all characters will die except for the person leading the escape party.
Actually, that makes sense as that person is the only one who -really- wants to escape and the others are considering their deskjob and making a poor effort of it.
?
That's wrong
it's right
they always have about 20 people in the escape party and two or three will survive.
Poseidon Adventure
the leader dies...
13)
the hero of the film is always an infinitely better marksman than his enemies
more:
12) If you are blonde and pretty it is still possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
The "demolitions expert" will always be a beefy black dude
The "martial arts expert" will always be a "sassy" asian woman.
Power rangers really set a precedent there.
14)
if you and your mates are planning a road trip through some deserted rural areas, you will break down. the person's house you call on for assistance will be less than helpful.
14) every minor black male character will die
unless they make it REALLY obvious that they'll die, like in Die Hard, so it's a massive shock when they live.
Except at the start of Scream 2
Kind of.
Every black character, minor or major...
usually saving Sigourney Weaver
15)
If a character is being chased in a city, they can usualyl blend into a crowd of carnival revellers.
15)
if you are a shark in a film, you will eat at least one person, probably several.
Finding Nemo?
the only good sharks ever.
...
36) A bad guy must prove he's evil by killing one of his own men.
anime-centric
Expressing humiliation is easy, simply make the character turn away, lower their head then scrunch up their eyes.
This can often be followed by the humiliatee turning round quickly and kicking the shit out of the humiliator, often as an act of revenge for a greater misdemeanor i.e killing humiliatee's father.
...
Anime doesn't count! This is your only warning.
Ever tried to run like a ninja in an anime film?
The other day I saw this wee boy trying to do it, running down the street.
The top half of his body was at 45 degrees and he had his fingers extended and his arms at right angles.
Sort of like this.
http://onbu.net/www/ninja/gazo/jutsu_jibashiri_p.jpg
But the wee guy was ginger.
it was one of the greatest things ive ever seen.
...
Almost the same: After seeing Terminator 2, when I have to run, I ALWAYS run like T-1000. And I always have the same music in my head.
:D
me too.
15) The quiet geeky girl is actually very attractive.
is she?
OMG I NEVER NOTICED B4!!!1one
BUT SHE'S WEARING GLASSES AND PAINT SPATTERED OVERALLS!!1!11
don't worry
freddy prinze jr will make her believe in herself!
*wear a short dress and contact lenses
that's
mostly true of real life though.
awww
Especially...
...when Freddie Prinze Jnr is involved somehow, usually in some kind of bet/dare scenario.
She's all that drinking game:
Every time you guess the next line, you have to drink. Recipe for disaster.
87) people who have never fired a gun before
will be able to shoot at least vaguely straight, and will never fall over due to recoil.
87b)
any soldier suffering with an outbreak of emotion will abandon all military training and fire from the hip with absolutely no cover whilst screaming and subsequently neutralise all targets and live, and never have to reload apart from when everyone else is dead.
:D
er
the first time i fired a gun i shot vaguely straight and didn't fall over due to recoil...
what is amazing in movies is south central hoods managing to shoot anything whilst holding their guns in a sideways gangsta position
Thats it!
I officially hate films!
:)
16)
A pursuing car will not try to barge the character off the road until immediately after they spot it in their rear-view mirror.
502)
Minions never care about their own lives and will happily take on an enemy that has killed hundreds of their comrades
27) Will Smith never dies
NB i haven't seen I Am Legend yet so don't go spoiling it if he dies in that, k?
27b) Will Smith
will follow up a piss poor movie in which he saves the piss poor world with a piss poor romantic comedy.
boo to you, sir
boo
although you do have a point
Will Smith IS great.
...
35) The female lead may fall for you if you have long blonde hair and take care of yourself physically, but it will not last. You will be superceded by a man with darker hair and a less impressive build. Sorry.
42) all action films exist in a world
where nu metal never went away.
48)
A man will show no pain while taking the most terrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
mark kermode podcast?
:)
na, I'm nicking them from a book
full of useless trivia! :D
49) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Empire trivia book?
...
Could be: I've definitely seen it more than once though. Best seen in Desperado.
And it will...
... almost always be in a brown paper bag.
...
67) Are you pregnant? Then you will give birth before the end of the film. This is the rule!
even john hurt does.
...
10 points. :D
There are only 3 types of gun:
Pistol, Uzi, and AK 47.
Goodies have pistols, Gangstas have uzis, terrorists have AKs.
NOTHING ELSE
...
76) Anyone using a pistol will have to cock it. Ka-chk! Sometimes this rule applies to revolvers too.
*flare gun if you get desperate
92) all unstoppable psychopaths
can defy every single possible law of physics, perhaps simultaneously.
112)
You must pick up your phone after the first ring or the other person will assume you are out and hang up.
113) everyone owns those answerphones where you can listen to the message as it's recorded
usually as you look moody, i.e the reason you didnt answer the phone in the first place
we used to have one of those
back in 1998.